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Olympic Announcers Quotable Moments - August 29, 2008

Here are "medal winning" comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would probably like to take back:

  1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
  2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
  3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
  4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
  5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
  6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
  8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
  9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

sent via eMail by my Mom (Hi Mom!) - no idea if they are true or not, but it seems reasonable given the mindless blather that accompanied most of the Olympic commentary.

#  | 01:33 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies, News)

Celebrating Death - June 08, 2006

The cross-posting of my Dead Pool obligatory posts here on this site has left many of my loyal readers (both of you) unfulfilled - not to mention my overall lack of posting. But today loyal readers, it is a day of celebration.

AP: Most-wanted Iraq terrorist al-Zarqawi dead

That, in and of itself is worthy for joy. However, he was also on my roster.

That's four scores for me this year - Louis Rukeyser, Don Knotts, Lloyd Bentsen, and now Zarqawi, boosting me into 2nd place overall - however, quite a ways out of first, but still ahead of Dead Pool legend Hal Horn.

Sweeeeet

However, I've got 9 obligatory posts to do before the end of the month.

#  | 12:06 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Are You Kidding Me? (first in a series) - April 21, 2006

The other day I was at my Toyota dealer, getting some routine maintenance done. While waiting for the work to be completed, I was browsing the wall of stuff they sell to "Pimp my Ride". I am considering a couple of things, (chrome license plate holder, running boards) and ran across an item that made me do a double-take.

Doggles. Protective Eyewear for Dogs.

They even have Black Inserts for Blind Dogs.

And don't forget the "DOGG Fashion Line" where you can make sure your dog looks its best on the Red Carpet.

They should probably sell ear protection too to shield your dog from all the other dogs laughing at him.

#  | 04:16 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Skimming ads can be entertaining - April 17, 2006

I clicked on a link today to a commercial news organization. Not a big deal - suspected killer of registered sex-offenders kills self - some might think a feel-good story for the day - but the page made me laugh.

One of the ads on the page caught my eye - here it is:

I misread it to say "Inmate Dating" and wondered how a dating service for those incarcerated in both state and federal accomodations might work.

That would have probably required another couple of dropdown selections - "Offense" and "Remaining Term".

#  | 10:22 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

My Silly Wife - January 11, 2006

I was abused at the dentist today. My mouth aches.

Nothing serious procedure-wise, a stepped up cleaning where they do half your teeth after giving you a local anestetic.

Still, it hurts.

Sainted Wife, being one of those people who floss every day and think going to the dentist is a friggin mouth party, was trying to get a smile from my aching face.

SW: Your teeth look great!
Me: Gimme a break. You can't even tell.
SW: No really - much better.
Me: Ok, floss nazi - which side looks better?

She gets up close, spreads my cheeks to get a better look. After a few seconds of close examination...

SW: This side. (pointing to my left)
Me: WRONG!!!! You lie like a rug. My plaque covered, gingivitus growing, gum shrinking side looks better? You can't even tell. I'll show you my pain!

She went whimpering away.

I hate the dentist. I think I'll go swish some saltwater and rinse with big mug of brandy.

#  | 08:57 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Inappropriately Funny - January 05, 2006

In a scene analogous to making fun of the retarded kid after his house burns down, The Tampa Bay Cheerleaders, during halftime of last week's football game, did a routine to "Rock You Like a Hurricane", a hit song from the late 80's by the legendary Scorpions.

"So What" you say.

The game was against the New Orleans Saints.

In case you missed it, the city had recently experienced one of Mother Nature's little tantrums named "Katrina".

Sorry New Orleans, I know it's wrong - but I laughed when I heard that.

Next time they'll do something to a "Katrina and the Waves" song, or maybe an artistic impression of "When the Levee Breaks" from Led Zepplin IV.

If it keeps on rainin', levee's goin' to break,
When The Levee Breaks I'll have no place to stay.

#  | 09:48 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Sad Day in MojoMark Land - December 14, 2005

Today is one of "those" days where reality and vanity clash, and forcing my 40ish self to accept the things that cannot be changed.

In order to qualify for purchase, my hair care products must now boldly specify their SPF rating.

#  | 12:05 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Computer Science Students With Too Much Time - January 06, 2005

Do you remember a game called "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"? I just discovered (it was originally built in 1996!) that there is an automated version online - probably built by computer science students. The Oracle of Bacon has actually downloaded IMDB files and calculated a Bacon score for celebrities.

This is one of those "not useful, but cool" pieces of technology. Puzzles for the programmer. I love those things. I have half a mind to download the data myself just for kicks.

Try it. Put in an actor, and see if you can get a high "score". I had a hard time getting anything higher than 3 (average is 2.9).

#  | 08:37 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

You might be a liberal if... - January 05, 2005

You might be a liberal if...

You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.

You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their “fair share.”

You believe in global warming today just as firmly as you believed in global cooling back in the 1970s.

You mentally subtract 100 points from someone’s IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.

You are dedicated to helping the poor, the downtrodden and the less fortunate, but you have never given blood.

You have no problem with Hollywood movie stars flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.

You deplore prejudice and bigotry in all its forms, but think that everyone in the “red states” is an idiot.

You are worried about how the French view Americans.

You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography "only has to look the other way."

#  | 08:45 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Headlines Can Be Misleading - January 04, 2005

Here is the headline that popped up in my Yahoo "Most Viewed Stories" portlet.

AP: Breast Enlargement Contest Draws Fire

And I immediately figure somebody is having a contest to see who can get the biggest implants ever. Sadly, there is a whole constituency of people who would probably think that was a good idea.

Fortunately, I was wrong.

In the "Breast Christmas Ever" contest, 13 women were awarded the procedure after writing essays to the stations explaining why they wanted larger breasts. A Tampa station claimed to receive more than 91,000 entries.

Phew! That makes more sense - except for the fact that 91,000 women in the Tampa metro area think boob implants will make them a better woman. I've got a better idea: why don't they learn to keep a house clean, cook a decent meal and quit watching Dr. Phil while eating bon bons!

Maybe the headline should have been "Breast Implant Giveaway Contest Draws Fire", or "Bigger Boobs to the Winner of a Radio Contest Seen as Insensitive", or how about trying your own in the comments?

OK, maybe I'll cut the AP editors some slack here. There is no way a decent headline could have been written for that.

Ya gotta love that contest name though.

#  | 09:28 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)


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