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14 row(s) meet your search criteria for May , 2003.
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Women are from Venus - May 30, 2003

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen..

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.. Amen.

#  | 01:22 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Reality TV Gone Too Far - May 30, 2003

I'm not trying to jump on any bandwagons... but I just saw a preview of the worst reality show EVER.

So you know, I like Survivor, I love the Amazing Race (premiered last night and "fat and forty" were goners) and tolerated some Big Brother and Dog Eat Dog shows. But I think that is all. I couldn't bring myself to watch shows like Real World, Road Rules, Osbournes, Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, Bachelorette (although she was very cute), or American Idol. I thought that I'm a Celebrity-Get Me Out of Here, The Family, Are You Hot? were ridculous (ok, maybe half of the Are You Hot? shows were fiendishly watchable simply for the eye-candy factor). Fear Factor has gone way past the boundaries of entertainment, and the Anna Nicole show is just sad.

Now from the Bravo network (That may be one I've programmed out of my TV, or I don't get it), comes "Boy meets Boy" fashioned in the mold of the Bachelor. A very good looking and well dressed man (read: GAY - not that there is anything wrong with that) is paired up with 10 eligible men to find his perfect match, hosted by his best friend (a chick). This was bad enough. I'm not into watching grown men hugging and kissing each other (not that there is anything wrong with that).

This is not even the worst part.

The worst part is that some number of the eligible men are Heterosexual, and if the "star" of the show picks one of these Hetero's in the end (supposedly he doesn't know these "moles" exist in his harem), that "man" gets a million bucks.

He gets a million bucks and not a single guy friend for years.

That's just sick. When will this stop? Is creativity absolutely gone from minds of Hollywood?

#  | 10:05 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Tv)

Big Boy Pants - May 30, 2003

While I've been wearing big boy pants for quite some time, Garrett has had them on for a few hours each day for the last few days. He's been really good so far, no accidents and had pooped in the potty sucessfully several times.

He hasn't yet asked us to help him to the potty, its so far always been us driving the action, but he's been cooperative and fruitful.

The tide seems to be turning in our favor.

#  | 09:57 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Kids)

Play Sand Add-on... - May 30, 2003

When filling the sandbox, Marie noticed a warning label on the bags of sand. ...made with products "known to the State of California to cause cancer...." [UPDATE BELOW](I'm going to verify the quote, but it was something very close to that).

Surely this would cause one to pause.... Bags of Sand clearly marked "Play Sand", sold with sandboxes at Toys R Us, known to cause cancer. Now what could the manufacturer be thinking? What about Toys 'r Us? Sounds like an open/shut case for Erin Brockovich doesn't it?

Apparently California has the labeling requirements, where nobody else does.

UPDATE: I love the internet. Everything known to man at your fingertips. While I don't believe everything I read on the internet, I've got to wonder about this situation. Here is a link to Safesand.com and the lowdown on the warning label.

So now what? The "safe" sand is nearly 10 times as expensive (50lbs/$50 or 500lbs/$350). I guess this is the cost to mitigate a potential cancer risk. What is the level of risk - Hi or Low? More research is necessary... more hours in the day are needed.

#  | 09:47 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Rant)

My Daughter the Dirt Ball - May 29, 2003

On Memorial Day, Marie ventured off to Toys 'R Us and purchased a sandbox for the kids. We had considered converting the patio island to a sandbox but the effort and cost to do such a project was much more than the $30 to buy a plastic turtle sandbox.

We found a relatively flat piece of ground and poured the 6 50lb bags of "Play Sand" and let the kids loose. Being the ever-so-caring one, Garrett didn't want to get his clothes dirty and immediately got naked to play in the sand. That didn't sound good to me, but to each his own I suppose.

Sara also plopped down in the box and began the "pick up sand, drop sand" routine. (I don't think SHE is going to have any sensory issues.) Anyway, I went about my backyard chores and heard the squealing delight of my children playing with new toys.

However, one squeal from Sara got my attention. It was not a unhappy squeal, but something said to me that I should check out the situation. This time I saw Garrett take a heaping sand shovel full and dump it upon her head, resulting in the attention getting squeal. This was apparently the second scoop over the head.

Bathtime!

#  | 03:38 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Kids)

Eating Outside - May 28, 2003

We have not been very active when it comes to eating outside on our patio. I believe that this is most likely related to that awful white plastic chairs and table we bought years ago. First off, it's dirty. It gets left outside all winter and develops this off-white color that doesn't come off except for the most intense scrubbing. Its not worth the effort. Secondly, being the big boy that I am, the chairs are neither comfortable, or strong enough to support me while striking a most relaxed posture. In a few seconds the chair back folds over and the laughter ensues.

So we've been contemplating the purchase of a "real" patio chair and tables for awhile now. A weekend or two ago while at the Home Depot, I spoted some black wrought iron chairs that rock. Short story... we bought 4 chairs and the matching table.

Since then, we've had numerous meals out on the patio when the weather permits. It is really very nice in the back of the house in the shade on a hot day while sitting in a comfy rocking chair sipping a cold beverage watching the kids play in the yard that we've spent so much time creating.

#  | 03:30 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: On-The-Town)

More Hardscape - May 27, 2003

This past Memorial Day weekend I built another planter box out of those Roman Stacking Stones. While this is not a big deal, it was a heavy deal. Each block weighs 17 pounds. I made 4 trips to Home Depot to buy the blocks. I bought 60, 53, 75 and 63 blocks each. I picked that amount to essentially map to the number of rows that would be stacked, and that I didn't want to overload the truck. The truck handled each load without issue. However on the last load I started doing some math in the head. 60+53+75+63 = 251 blocks, multiplied by 17 lbs is : 4267 lbs! I hauled more than two tons of blocks from the driveway to the backyard this weekend!

No wonder my body was sore.

#  | 03:23 PM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: House)

Submit a Joke - May 25, 2003

If you would like to submit a joke and contribute to the lightening of our lives, post a comment here. I will be notified of your submission, and when I get a chance will transform your post to the jokes page with your name and website attributed to it. So give me a joke, and make it not suck.

And BTW, all submissions are subject to the Terms of Service Policy, and with all editorial rights granted to me. So if I think your joke sucks, I will not transform it. And the timeframe for transformation is at my discretion ("when I get a chance" will sometimes be quick, and sometimes not).

#  | 10:36 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Funnies)

Moving Furniture - May 20, 2003

We did what I thought I'd never do over the weekend: move the entertainment center.

Just so you know, the entertainment center was purchased a few years ago and was constructed of the ever-evil pressboard core with simulated wood-grain laminate on the top. If you've ever had this type of furniture, and frankly I think everyone has at one point or another, you know that this stuff is 1) heavy, and 2) does not take kindly to moving.

With this in mind, when I constructed this 5'x6'x2' unit (that came in a 5 inch thick box), I asked Marie where she wanted it, because it wasn't ever moving from that spot.

Never say Never I guess.

So the plan was to move all the kids stuff to the family room from the living room, and make the living room the place where adults hang out and watch TV. Doesn't sound so bad. But the fun was only beginning.

So the entertainment center moved to the living room. This required moving the metal art work to another location. Both wingback recliners and an end-table moved to the "reading area" (what the home designer would have called the dining room). This required moving the never-used piano. So the piano moved to the family room along with the littler TV, VCR. But the file cabinet that held the TV doesn't "go" in the family room. So that was moved to the office, and one of the old black shelving units moved upstairs was once again brought downstairs to hold the TV/VCR. But now we need music in the family room, so the Receiver from the office was moved to the family room, the CD player in the entertainment center was moved to the family room and the CD player from the office was moved to the entertainment center.

Phew. Is that it? Not quite.

The living room had no end-tables, so one of the stylish glass tables put away when Garrett was born was ressurected for the living room. Now the wall where the metal art was looks barren, the family room wall has nothing and the overhead lamp in the living room is no longer connected to a wall-switch, and it now sits behind the recliner. The on/off switch for the lamp is below the level of the back of the recliner making it impossible to reach while sitting. The back speakers of my surround sound home theater are still on the walls in the family room connected to wires that travel to the other side of the room and collect next to the piano.

I like it though. It's different.

Anybody want to buy a piano?

#  | 09:52 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: House)

Didn't Sit Together? - May 19, 2003

Yes, you read that right. The kid swapping syndicate is only for a few hours. So we set it up for 3:30 to 6:30, stick a 2hour 20 minute movie in the middle and the schedule is tight.

We bought the tickets early at Fandango (highly recommended BTW) and picked up the tickets earlier in the day.

We dropped the kids off and snuck out of the house so that Sara wouldn't cry for an hour, drove to the theater, found a parking space, got a Coke and headed into the Theater at about 4:10.

It used to be that 10 minutes late to a movie would have been bad. These days, you are only halfway through the pre-movie stuff (previews, commercials, announcements etc).

Unfortunately, our seat choices were 2nd row to sit together, or back of the theater apart. With a 100 foot wide screen, and a visual movie, 2nd row would have sucked, so we opted for the back sitting in separate rows.

I didn't like it. I wanted to hold hands with my wife - being able to feel her next to me. I missed that. That will probably be the last big-hype movie we see on opening weekend for a long time.

#  | 09:53 AM |  Comments Closed (0)  |  (Tags: Movies)


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