My Message Is Not Getting Through

Sometimes I get upset with the kids for things they do. Because it really doesn't happen very often, they often don't react immediately. In my parental myopic belief that my kids are basically good and not manipulative, my opinion is that I don't think they immediately recognize when I'm being serious.

Today Sara was working on a project coloring with felt-tip markers on the floor. Our floor is wood. I was not in the room watching.

Later I returned to the room to find markings on the floor. The hair started to stand up on my neck as neatness (actually lack of neatness) with markers has in the past been a source of disciplinary action. So when I saw markings on the floor I thought that "bad daddy" would need to make an appearance.

Me: "Sara! There are green markings on the floor. What did we tell you about using markers?"

Sara: "That's not green Daddy, it's blue."

Tags: Family  |  Funny

Smackdown by an 8 year old

I've got an "itchy" spot on my upper back right between my shoulder blades. For some time now I've been apply some steroid cream to it to quell the itchiness.

My employer does not test for steroids, so I'm ok on that front.

This morning, Garrett was in the bathroom with me while I bent my arm to apply the cream my back.

He looked at me and said "What's that Daddy, hair care product?".

Tags: Funny  |  Family

Memories of my Youth: Realities of my Present

One of Sara's playmates had her 7th birthday party this weekend. This party was at an old-fashioned roller skating rink. The rink was closed to the public during "party time" and since we were the only party planned, our group of 15 kids and related adults had the place to ourselves.

Growing up, the family of a girl in my neighborhood owned the local skating rink - I think it was Skateland. Leslie was one of those long-term neighborhood kids that I went to school with from Kindergarten all the way through high school (I think there were 13 of us as measured at our 25 year HS reunion). Of course Leslie was a prize winning skater, but because we were all friends, outings to Skateland were regular. I was a pretty decent skater in those days.

On Saturday, all those memories came flooding back. The disco ball, the snack bar, skate rental, DJ music, and the illusion of cool. Missing was the teen angst, and raging puberty hormones - but I really didn't "miss" those.

So, on with the rental skates and out on the floor I go. After some initial trouble, I did get some of those feelings back, and gradually felt more comfortable out on the floor - bouncing to the rhythms of the music, crossing over on the turns, pinching the fannies of the girls (just ones I'm related to now).

Can you see what's coming next?

I think it was a 4.2 on the Richter Scale.

Coming off the skating floor on to the carpeted non-skating area gravity seemed to wake up at the comedic potential of a heavy, 44-year old with too much confidence. Suddenly my feet sped up, and my torso slowed down and I disappeared behind the wall.

If someone had been watching me, I can only imagine how funny it would have looked. Something like Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff. There he is. And in an instant: There he isn't.

Thankfully, there was no serious damage - to me or the facility. Nobody saw me fall (either that or nobody laughed out loud to my face) so my pride is in tact. The swelling on my wrist has finally begun to go down and my back and neck are stiff, but workable. I suppose it was my ego that took the biggest hit - that and those fond memories of the skating rink.

Tags: Funny

Minnesota Funny

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts

Tags: Funny

Miscarriage of Justice

DELTONA, Fla. - An angry Deltona father whacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend with a metal pipe after finding the boy naked in his daughter's room.

The boy was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples.

The father was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000.

Bloddy naked teenage boys running down the street sound like a scene from a movie.

I know there is a legal doctrine for Justifiable Homocide. I wonder if there would be a call for a similar, Justifiable Battery doctrine?

Tags: Funny

Olympic Announcers Quotable Moments

Here are "medal winning" comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would probably like to take back:

  1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
  2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
  3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
  4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
  5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
  6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
  8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
  9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

sent via eMail by my Mom (Hi Mom!) - no idea if they are true or not, but it seems reasonable given the mindless blather that accompanied most of the Olympic commentary.

Tags: Funny


I got mad at the oldest child the other day for opening a package I specifically told him not to open. Normally that wouldn't be a big deal - because it really wasn't. But what set me off was that a key component was now missing. By opening it, he had lost a critical piece.

Except, I found the piece at work this morning. Because I had opened it at work.

I think I owe my son an apology.

Tags: Funny  |  Family

Poor Choices

While in line at my local convenience store to pick up my 44 oz tub of Diet Coke for the morning, I was behind an older lady. She was kind of trashy looking, trucker cap, shorts, long t-shirt. She certainly didn't look like she had money to burn.

But yet she picked up a carton of Winston Lites and a small collection of scratch off lottery tickets.

It was early, but I was somewhat surprised she didn't get a 6 pack of Bud to complete the picture.

Tags: Funny

Landlord Nightmare

We've owned the 4-plex for almost 6 years now, and while we have been warned of the "nightmare tenant", we have been lucky and not met them.

Until now.

The scary thing is that people were actually living in this filth - with small children. We called Child Protective Services and unfortunately this isn't bad enough for them to do something.

The combination of garbage and feces results in a smell that is truly heinous. I guessing they only left because neither of the toilets is working.

1st step is to get the stuff hauled out. That will be a couple of truckloads (@500 each). Then we've got a company coming to clean the joint. They are considering the job a "bio-hazard" and will be in full bunny suits with gloves, masks and shoes ($60/hour - I'm estimating about 20 hours). Then we will have to replace the oven, likely the washer/dryer, dishwasher and the coup de gras, rebuilding the bathroom upstairs, which is likely a total loss.

So much for that big tax refund I got last week. I think that George W's economic stimulus payment is probably gone too.

Tags: Funny

What's Next? Lifetime Achievement?

My six year old daughter Sara likes Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. Thankfully she is still in the "like" stages so we weren't obligated to overspend when she was here live in concert. Miley's been hitting the media circuit very hard over the past few months and is becoming the "teen sensation".

As an icon for my daughter, she's doing pretty well. The show is occasionally funny - even for a fat balding, 40ish Dad. Her music is actually pretty catchy and is in my iTunes randomizer. She's not been arrested, shown up intoxicated to an event, been caught in compromising positions by paparazzi, or become pregnant. Any one (or several) seemingly considered a "badge of honor" by the most recent crop of teen queens (i.e. Brittney, Lindsay, Jaime Lynn).

But there is evidence, that Miley is getting a little big for her britches...

AP: Miley Cyrus to write her memoirsThe multi-hyphenate teen star has signed a book deal to tell the story of her young life

Memoirs of a 15 year old?

I don't doubt that it will probably become part of our home library. I just hope there are some good lessons included in there about how important it is to be good to Dad!

Tags: Funny